The Whole of May 2020

1 May - 31 May 2020

One of Nix’s old friends phoned this morning. I could hear Nix going on about how hard things are at the moment in lockdown. That’s a laugh, life is exactly the same for Nix as it was before this lockdown thingy. She takes me out and then sits and watches TV. Then she takes me out again and comes back and watches TV. Then...well I don’t need to go on do I, basically her life in lockdown is exactly the same as it was before.

Today’s been really boring, windy and raining and we haven’t been out that much so I thought I might tell you the story of the Brighton Marina incident. Nix never talks about it because secretly she feels it was her fault which of course it was for not paying attention. It’s just over a year ago and we were staying out at the marina while our bungalow was being done up. We had a lovely apartment with a courtyard looking out to all the boats. This particular day Nix didn’t see the cat trespassing in our garden. I did of course and we had a bit of a staring match and then it ran and I chased it. By the time Nix had realised I had managed to get through the hedge into next doors garden and then chased the cat over the wall and onto the marina boardwalk. Trouble was I couldn’t get back again because the wall was too high to jump up and there was very deep water between me and Nix. She can’t swim and she was petrified I might fall in and she couldn’t get to me because only people who own boats have a key. She had to call the security and they had to come with the key and get me and take me home the long way round. I thought it was very exciting but Nix, not so much.

4 May 2020

Nix woke up early this morning declaring she was bored already so she thought we should go to the park for a change especially now we are allowed to drive. So we get in the car and drive down the road when Nix decides she can’t see through the windscreen. I would normally blame this on her shocking eyesight but to be fair the windscreen did have loads of sandy stuff on it. When Nix put the windscreen wipers on there wasn’t any water to clean them so she had the brainwave to use one of my bottles of water. Now you tell me, if you’re going to stand by the side of the car, put the windscreen wipers on and chuck water at them, there’s only one place the water is going to end up. I can’t decide whether it’s the lockdown that’s causing her brain to malfunction or whether it’s just her age...bit of both probably but she now looks like a drowned rat.

Nix has been cooking my turkey mince so now we have enough in the freezer to last until 2022.

She has also spent a very long time trying to work out how to open the car bonnet so she can put the screen washer in. This might be a good time to say that the hole that I dug in the garden out of boredom isn’t really that big and it only uprooted one plant. Admittedly it was one of Nix’s favourites but she hasn’t noticed yet.

5 May 2020

Today we’ve been to the park, to the river and to the beach. There were lots of people out and Nix moans that the joggers come too close. She says she’s going to start coughing and sneezing next time they won’t get out of the way. She seems to think that’s very funny, I think it’s rather childish.

I’ve been a very good boy keeping Nix laughing... The doll incident on the beach had her verging on hysteria. Look, if children don’t want their dolls ripped to pieces then they shouldn’t leave them on the beach should they. It’s not my fault the head fell off so quickly and once that had gone there wasn’t a lot of point in leaving the legs on. I took the head home with me.

6 May 2020

Okay so I am in big trouble and this time it’s not funny. It’s so bad in fact that I’ve been grounded and even the neighbours haven’t been allowed to take me out for my afternoon walk. It’s so bad that Nix doesn’t even want to talk about it and I have to admit that for once it was actually my fault. I feel really bad because I didn’t want to upset Nix but that brown curly job really gets on my nerves. He struts around like he owns the place and he doesn’t, someone had to tell him and that someone was me. There were a lot of people on the beach and they were all staring whilst I tried to flatten him. Nix said it’s very difficult to stay two meters away from someone when you’re both trying to grab the same dog...me. I don’t like being like that, I don’t know what comes over me, Nix says I go a bit loopy. Anyway, Nix isn’t speaking to me and staring isn’t working and she is so mad she says she’s going out...without me. Every time she gets up I jump up too and wag my tail but she just walks past me... I’ve been a bad bad boy. 

7 May 2020

So... I appear to have been forgiven for yesterday’s incident. I am however having to stay on my lead when we’re on the beach for the ‘foreseeable future’ This would appear to be all parts of the beach in fact anything that looks remotely like a beach. I can’t see it lasting because every time I stop, which is a lot, Nix has to stop too. She is soon going to get fed up with that.

8 May 2020

I’m so bored. We did go out this morning but not to the beach. We only went down the river but I was able to keep myself amused with my pooping. There is a steep bank and I like to poo halfway down so Nix has to climb down and retrieve it. It’s good exercise for those dodgy legs of hers plus you know how hard she finds it to stay on her feet anyway, it’s a miracle she hasn’t ended up at the bottom but I can wait. Then I got her on the second poo by doing it on a thistle. She was trying so hard to get it out because people were watching but to no avail and the language I have to tell you was a disgrace. She should’ve just let me go to the beach but oh no, it’s out of bounds and all because of a silly little scrap that wasn’t even my fault.

The cyclists and joggers are really annoying Nix because they don’t get out of the way. She says for some reason they can only go in a straight line and it really annoys her, probably more than it should. She is threatening to save some bags of poo which she is going to attach to the end of a two meter pole so she can swing it around and keep them at a social distance...hopefully she won’t actually do this.

9 May 2020

There was no problem getting Nix out of bed this morning because she is the most catastrophising hypochondriac I’ve ever known. She woke up with a bit of a cough so major drama of course, she thought she’d got the virus thingy and was about to die. The good side of it was she was then unable to get back to sleep again because she was so busy panicking so I got a really good walk nice and early.

We went down the other side of the river today because the paths are wider. It was my suggestion because I think if we go down the narrow path and some jogger comes too close she might actually knock them out...it’s all just a bit worrying. I was very relieved to see that the gate has now been left open because the major problem with this route is the stile. Now you all know how clumsy Nix is, just imagine her trying to climb over a stile, it’s nerve wracking to say the least. We met loads of dogs and I said hello nicely to them all, even the Labradors. I got a bit muddy and ate something disgusting but apart from that Nix said I was a very good boy.

10 May 2020

Bit of a hazy lazy but not very crazy day today, in other words Nix couldn’t be bothered to take me anywhere decent. To get my own back I dropped my ball in the middle of the only nettles I could find but then I found some more so I did my poopies in there. Nix already got stung once getting the ball back and she definitely did not want to pick that poo up but she had to as there were so many people watching. The language, honestly, you know what she’s like when she’s annoyed...disgraceful and there were children around too. Anyway that’ll teach her to sit around on her backside doing absolutely nothing instead of taking me somewhere interesting. 

I did get a walk to the beach but had to stay on the lead again because of the incident the other day. There might have been another teeny-weeny incident but it definitely was not my fault. I thought I saw the brown curly job, I don’t like him and I think I’m rather impressive when I see something I don’t like. Nix says I’m like a bucking bronco whatever that is and that I’m not very impressive at all and that I just make a fool of myself and her. Seriously...me make a fool of her when she is so perfectly capable of doing it herself.

11 May 2020

Nix went to pull a weed out of the drain today and as she took a firm grip on it she felt something soft and squidgy and guess what it was...poopies. It’ll be that darned cat of course, flipping cheek, but I’ll forgive it just this once because it gave me a really good laugh. The fuss Nix made was ridiculous, running around shaking her hand going, “Eww” over and over again...pathetic. 

Did I tell you about the time I chased a cat down our road... I reckon it was the one that did the poopies in the drain. We hadn’t lived in the bungalow for very long but because it was on a very quiet road Nix wouldn’t worry too much about me getting into trouble. Little did she realise I was just lulling her into a false sense of security...biding my time. My time did eventually come when the garden furniture arrived. Nix walked out to the driver and I saw my chance. That ridiculous cat took off down our road and I chased him. We went from one side of the road to the other, zigzagging as we went with Nix running after us screaming at me to wait. Why she thought I was suddenly going to start obeying commands I really don’t know but I have to tell you, I have never ever seen her run so fast and without falling over too. I did blot the old copy book apparently because now when she opens the front door I’m not allowed to be there, I have to wait inside. She said I really scared her and she thought I was going to end up in Worthing...this woman does exaggerate.

12 May 2020

Nix has decided to teach me some tricks...yes seriously...as if. You’d have thought she’d have realised by now that I don’t do tricks. At a push I will sit if I have to and there is a treat at the end of it but I will not do actual tricks, they are degrading. She thinks if she says, “Shake hands Fripp” I’m going to start waving my paw around in the air...seriously...never going to happen.

I saw one of my friends for the first time in ages this morning and I ran really fast to meet him. It’s not my fault his owner got in the way and I nearly knocked him over.

13 May 2020

So we’ve had two walks today already and it’s only 12 o’clock. I have perfected the stare and it works really well. Nix says she would rather take me out than have me staring at her as it puts her off. On our first walk I didn’t quite make it to the nettles with my first poo but the second poo of the morning was more successful. There is a raised island of plants in the park and I like to poo up there. Nix has to clamber up to get it and I don’t know which is the most embarrassing, her getting up there or her getting down again. To get up she has to sit on the wall, swing her legs round and sort of crawl to get the poo...so embarrassing. Getting down is even worse because she has to get herself to the edge and for some reason only known to herself, she has to get off backwards...she says it’s her knees.

The second walk was to the beach. We’ve not been back there since the incident the other day and I could tell Nix was nervous as she was hanging on tight. I was on immediate alert as I could see what I thought was a cocky dog ahead of us. I started to pull and try to get to it but as we got closer I could see it wasn’t that interesting so I calmed down a bit. Nix says I can’t really enjoy myself on walks because I’m constantly on high alert for the wrong sort of dog but what she doesn’t understand is that it is my job. Anyway we got down to the actual sea and Nix let me off the lead for about 10 seconds. I spotted another dog at the other end of the beach and I took off. I could hear her shouting after me, well let’s face it the whole of Shoreham could hear her but I continued on my way, there was a job to be done. Eventually I realised it was some boring Cockapoo and so I waited for Nix. Complete overreaction as usual and I was put back on my lead. Nix says she thinks I’ve got a brain tumour...makes a change from her thinking she’s got one. There is nothing wrong with my brain, it works a lot better than Nix’s that’s for sure.

14 May 2020

Nix woke up in a sweat this morning, said she’d had an anxiety dream that she left me behind somewhere. Don’t know why that would’ve made her anxious, she’s always threatening to leave me somewhere when she’s mad at me. She was mad at me this morning because I’ve dug another hole in the garden and she said she‘d leave me on the beach and I could sort myself out. Someone needs to inform the authorities... It’s psychological Beardie abuse.

I’ve got a bit of a bump on my head, there was the tiniest of incidents when we were on our walk. One of the stroppy black dogs from the big house by the beach was on the other side of the road and I was trying to stare him out. I did have a bit of a lurch and Nix nearly fell over and then she got all ridiculous about it. She marched me on but I was looking over my shoulder at the dog and she made me bump into a lampost and would you believe she said it was all my own fault. I got my own back when we got home and accidentally bit her finger when we were playing with my toy. There was no blood, a lot of fuss about nothing if you ask me.

15 May 2020

A new lead arrived for me today. It’s one of those noisy jobs that stretch along way and keep clicking, the ones I don’t like and neither does Nix. The last one was too heavy and made her arm ache and so she’s bought a smaller one which is just about suitable for a cat. That was made patently obvious when we passed the bad tempered Jack Russell who lives two roads down. I knew he was going to lunge at me and so I intended to get in first. Nix of course had no idea how to stop the lead from stretching out and I just about made it to the Jack Russell before she managed to reel me in...damn.

16 May 2020

So I thought it should be a ‘be nice to Nix’ day today. She’s not a bad old girl really and I know I could be a lot worse off so I decided to be a good boy today. Now this has nothing to do with me being kept on the lead on the beach after the incidents and no I’m not trying to lull her into a false sense of security, I’m just being nice with maybe a touch of favour currying. I was nice to the stupid Labrador who was carrying a massive rock in his mouth. Why would you do that when you could be carrying a stick, much lighter and you can eat it when you get home. I also let my two little Pomeranian friends have a game together without knocking either of them over and let me tell you, it was very tempting. I ignored the Cockapoo who was really getting on my nerves and I even played a bit with the Cocker Spaniel. I think all in all I deserve a medal because some dogs can be very annoying indeed.

They’ve allowed groomers to open again so I’m booked in for a bath and a trim round my eyes so I can spot Labradors better. Nix had an anxiety dream last night that they closed again before she could get me in there. She seemed more upset about that dream than the one where she left me on the bus.

17 May 2020

Guess what, I got let off the lead on the beach this morning. I should add that there was a proviso and it involved me not knocking anyone over. I think it’s really boring but Nix says no it’s not boring, it’s relaxing. So it’s a miracle really isn’t it, we got from one end of the beach to the other and back again without me knocking anyone over and more miraculously I reckon, without Nix falling over.

When we got back Nix planted some big bushes in the garden. She thinks they will stop me digging but actually it just gives me cover. There are three big holes there already that she doesn’t even know about.

18 May 2020

I have a new trick. As we walk down the street and pass all the houses I hold my wee until someone is out in their garden and then I wee up their wall. Again Nix and I can’t agree, I think it’s hilarious, she thinks it’s annoying, very annoying.

Nix tells everyone that because I’m scared I can’t swim. It’s not that I’m scared, I just don’t want to over exert myself and I prefer it in the shallows anyway. Well today I had an unexpected surprise down by the river and guess what, I really can swim. I’m not normally allowed sticks since the ‘stick stuck in the mouth‘ incident where I had to be raced to the vet. A lot of fuss about nothing as usual as Nix had already got the stick out but to be honest there was quite a lot of blood and most of it on Nix’s cream coat. Anyway this morning Nix found a very fat stick and she threw it in the river for me. It was so long since I had a stick that I got a bit over excited and I might have launched myself off a bit too enthusiastically. This time it felt very different, my feet didn’t touch the bottom but I was very calm and collected and I swam back to the bank. Nix was a little bit too over excited I think but that’s because she can’t swim and she could see how brave I was. She kept saying,  “You’re so clever” over and over and then she tried to get me to do it again so she could video it but I think not, once was enough.

19 May 2020

We went to Devil’s Dyke this morning, that was exciting apart from the man standing next to something very weird which I had no intention of going past. “For goodness sake” says Nix very impatiently, it’s just a rucksack!” Well I have no idea what a rucksack is but I didn’t like it and I wasn’t going past it. I am the master of my own destiny and when I see danger, I avoid it...much safer.

Nix had a bit of a moan at a cyclist who came too close. Now if she hadn’t been bending over filling my water bowl with her backside sticking out about a mile he might have been the necessary two meters away. Anyway she shouted after him that he was too close and just because he was on a bicycle did he think the rules didn’t apply to him. When none of this made any impression she shouted after him “and I’m 75!” He shouted back, “Well you shouldn’t be out then!” I actually thought Nix was going to explode she was so mad. He is very lucky he was on the bike or you might have been reading about us in the news.

21 May 2020

We had visitors yesterday...Nix’s best friends Claudia and Terry and their dog Stanley the Bichon. Stanley is a bit obsessed with Nix, can’t think why but he likes to walk right by her feet. That’s quite difficult when his mum is supposed to be two meters away and the lead isn’t quite that long. In the end Nix took both leads and Stanley and I walked together. We went for a walk on the beach and I was let off my lead under the very strict instructions that if there were any ‘incidents‘ at all I should be taken straight home, visitors or not.

Nix organised for her friends to go down the side entrance to the garden as they’re not allowed to come through the house. The humans are meant to be two meters apart, trouble is the rules don’t allow for the oldies like Nix actually being able to remember that. We all had a lovely time in the garden with the humans sitting at least two meters apart. It all went very well until one of them got up and forgot the rules and got too close to someone else and then there were lots of, “Nooo you’re too close!”  and then they’d all crease up laughing. You see that’s what happens when you’re old and you have too much to drink.

22 May 2020

Nix is ranting at the moment because Sainsbury’s delivered her shopping in trays instead of bags and she had to keep bending down to pick it all up.  She says her back hurts and when she tried to call them she waited 30 minutes and then they hung up.  My turkey mince was in bags!

23 May 2020

Now it gets really windy in Shoreham-by-Sea so buying an Olive tree to stand out the front of the bungalow was never going to be a very good idea. Everyone and their dogs knew that it was never going to stay upright for very long...bit like Nix really. Anyway the wind was very bad during the night and this morning it had blown over so Nix had this brilliant idea. She decided to place the wheelie bin up against it to help keep it upright until the wind stopped. Well the clue is in the name... wheelie bin, ie it has wheels! So we went out for a walk down by the river and when we came back the Olive tree was flat on its face and the wheelie bin was on its way to Brighton...I give up sometimes.

Bumped into my old friend Barney down the river.

24 May 2020

Nix had a church service on Zoom this morning and she was singing along with the hymns which was painful to say the least. I’m not allowed in the garden while it’s on because she says I can’t be trusted not to dig holes and she doesn’t want to swear in front of the vicar. She doesn’t seem to have quite got the gist that the vicar isn’t actually in our bungalow. Anyway this means I’m forced to stay within earshot and its Frippy cruelty in its strongest form.

I have a new trick and it’s one of my best yet. So... Nix throws the ball into the sea and I pretend not to see it. She’s shouting, “It’s behind you” but I just stand there looking dumb. Now there’s a bit of a crowd, well two people and they’re all shouting, “It’s behind you.” Then we have Nix going, “Get the ball, get the ball, get the flippin ball.” Guess what... I didn’t get the flippin ball and she had to go in and get it herself.

There were horses on the beach this morning.

25 May 2020

I had such a good time this morning at the beach and I did get to test out my new trick to get Nix in the sea with her clothes on to retrieve the ball. Then Nix‘s friend Jane came down with her Beardie Wilfred and they brought horses. I knew I had to be on my best behaviour so Nix didn’t get any witnesses to my supposed bad behaviour. It was a bit frustrating because there were a few small children I could’ve knocked over and there were horses too and lots of Labradors. There weren’t however any brown curly jobs because then I would’ve had to do the necessary. Keep brown curly dogs off the beach that’s what I say.

Nix got a new bag for her birthday from her friend Elaine. It was a special one for the summer when she doesn’t have any pockets. It is big enough to hold all her rubbish and more importantly my essentials ie treats and water. So she filled the water bottle up and packed my treats but as usual forget something, the bowl to put the water in. I then have to drink my water out of a poo bag, a scented one at that which is completely unacceptable. 

We walked along way and I was very tired when we got home and seeing as how no one was offering to dry me off, I blotted myself on the new sofa.

26 May 2020

Well today it’s been very hot and very boring I must say. I did get a walk on the beach this morning but didn’t go out with the neighbours this afternoon because apparently it’s been too hot for me. It’s just not good enough is it, what’s a chap meant to do all day. It’s alright for Nix, she’s been lazing in the garden all afternoon trying to get a tan...never going to happen, she always goes bright red.

The only excitement of the day was when the Sainsbury’s delivery van arrived. Now you know how the supermarkets stopped using plastic bags but when the virus thingy arrived they had to start using them again because the drivers weren’t allowed to come into our house. Well for the last two deliveries our food has arrived in trays and Nix has had to get all the shopping inside bit by bit. She says all the bending and lifting has done her back in and so she complained to some bigwig at Sainsbury’s. She was promised her shopping would definitely arrive in bags today. Guess what, it came in trays but my turkey mince came in bags...again.

27 May 2020

We went to the woods today. I like it there because it’s so easy to lose Nix or rather for her to lose me. I always know where she is but I like to go on a different path to her and when she calls me I ignore her. She says most people think she’s bonkers anyway because she walks up and down with a dog lead and a bag of poo and no dog. No one has ever seen a dog with her because I’m always hiding in the bushes. I do like to watch her trip over the tree roots too, you’d think by now she’d know they were there wouldn’t you.

28 May 2020

It’s Nix’s 75th birthday today so I’ve been attending to her every need. She had a visit from her God daughter Beth and her fiance Frankie and they brought lemon drizzle cake home-made. It was my job to chase off the seagulls who thought they were going to get a look in... I think not. Social distancing was adhered to even though there was alcohol involved which was very impressive.

I’ve only had a couple of walks mostly down the beach but that’s okay as long as Nix has had a good time. I shall however be expecting spectacular walks tomorrow to make up for the lack of scenery today.

29 May 2020

So it’s not Nix’s birthday any longer and I don’t have to be good...naughtiness can return. We set out this morning for a walk on the beach and guess what, I almost immediately found a scrummy dead fish. Now it’s not my fault it was hidden behind a tall plant and Nix couldn’t see me and it’s not my fault that I completely ignored her for quite a long time. Anyway by the time she found me she was in a right old state. She does tend to catastrophise and she actually thought someone had bribed me with chicken and stolen me in their van. Why would I get bribed by chicken when I had a scrummy dead fish that was so old Nix said it had fossilised. Anyway, we were far enough away from the poo bin for me to do my poop as I know Nix likes to carry the bag for the entire walk so I try to oblige.

This afternoon we’ve been down the river but it was very hot. I needed to cool off but unfortunately I did sink in the mud a bit which left me with some black boots which I thought looked quite smart. Nix seemed vaguely annoyed as she said she’d just forked out a fortune on my groom and I better get back in the running water and get them clean. I knew I wouldn’t be allowed on the bed if I didn’t so I thought I’d better follow orders.

30 May 2020

So a very early start this morning though it wasn’t really Nix’s choice. I woke her up by being sick on the bed. She blamed it on the fossilised fish that I ate on the beach yesterday and said it was my own fault and opened the door to the garden and went back to sleep! Well I’m not having that, blooming cheek, so I rather excelled myself with ‘the evils’ as Nix calls them. This is where my eyes bore into her even when she’s asleep even though she wasn’t really asleep. I like to give her ‘the evils‘ from the garden to start with but I think I was a bit too far away so I had to move closer. That seemed to do the trick because I got one of her, “Oh for goodness sake, I might as well get up...“ Job done. 

We are going to the beach tonight to watch a rocket go over which is apparently very exciting... I shall be looking for dead fish.

31 May 2020

So not such an early start today, I didn’t mind as I was a bit tired after our late night and Nix was fast asleep. I wouldn’t have minded but when she did get up, she decided to have breakfast in the garden, now I think that’s a bit of a cheek. I tried ‘the evils’ over the garden table but it was a waste of time I must be losing my touch.

We had our tea in the summerhouse this afternoon and when Nix went in she put her empty plate on the bed. It wasn’t my fault that the plate had some honey left on it and when I lay down I put my head on it. I have now had to have my whole head washed and if she‘d put it away in the first place I‘d still have my dignity.

The zoom meeting was as chaotic as ever...the coffee time afterwards is the best bit. Nix hasn’t managed to get a word in yet and she thinks it’s because no one is interested in what she’s got to say. I’m biding my time before I tell her that she has the mute button on and no one can hear her.