The Whole of March 2020

1 March - 31 March 2020

Oops...bit of an incident this morning. First of all can I just say that it definitely was not my fault. No dog, especially a stupid Retriever should be allowed to strut down my boardwalk showing off his bits and pieces. Now the fact is, as I was born with just the one, I consider it discrimination against the disabled dog. This kind of disgraceful victimisation can only be dealt with in one way...I flattened him.

2 March 2020

Nothing to report other than I got an extra walk because Nix went onto automatic pilot and drove into the park instead of going to Tesco... There are benefits to living with a batty old woman. I also had my first meet and greet nicely with the black Labrador... just have to be patient and wait until I’m off the lead, my time will come.

3 March 2020

So the boardwalk was vaguely icy this morning and Nix won’t walk on it because, let’s face it, she manages to fall over even when it’s not slippy. We went over the bridge into town which I do like even though I have to stay on my lead.  I like it because there are a lot of doggy smells and Nix said it was the most relaxing  morning walk she’s had in ages, something to do with me being on the lead...can’t think what she means.

5 March 2020

Still raining. Nix spent hours yesterday making my custard cream balls to help me take my antibiotics. I am grateful really I am but the mess...trust me, there was icing sugar everywhere including over my lunch. I mean how hard can it be to mix up a bit of butter and icing sugar without getting it everywhere. Nix called me a perfect poppet this morning... I think this might be a good thing. 

6 March 2020

Special treat today as I’ve been such a good boy recently. We went to meet Debbie and Scruffy and got lovely and muddy in the woods and then washed it all off in the sea. I got some apple turnover too which was yummy. I think I like being good.

7 March 2020

Nix called me a perfect poppet again this morning... 

10 March 2020

Sorry for our absence, Nix has had a couple of visual thingies and hasn’t been able to use the iPad...so lazy. I had my culture taken this morning, we did it sooner than usual because there were lots of bacteria last month. We have to wait now a couple of days for the results but Bron my vet is a bit worried as my port (where they take the samples from) is a bit swollen. Can you believe I have to stay on the lead for another week. Nix is worrying because my last test showed I might be becoming resistant to the antibiotics that have been keeping me going.  What a load of old tosh...I’m fine. 

11 March 2020

Cruelty alert... I am still being forced to walk on the lead because I have a swelling around my port which is where the vet goes to flush out my bypass. I have been unable to flatten the black Labrador and I have been unable to disappear down the beach to eat the rotting fish. This is simply not good enough, I demand free exercise for all Beardies. 

12 March 2020

I’m still on my lead this morning but Nix used the training lead she got me when I first arrived aged two. I use the term ‘training’ very loosely indeed because let’s be honest, there wasn’t a lot of training going on. The first time we used it was in the puppy park where dogs learn how to return to their owner when they’re called. About 10 of us raised right down to the bottom of the field and round the big bushes at the end. All the other dogs ran back to their owners but let’s be honest, that’s really boring so I stayed behind the bushes. Nix was almost having a heart attack by the time I reappeared, it was very funny, well I thought so.

13 March 2020

Well my port is still swollen and apparently my results show that I have struvite crystals whatever they are. This is apparently a disaster because it’s what caused me to have to go into hospital in the first place. Nix is worried that I might get another blockage but I feel absolutely fine and I think she just likes something to worry about.

13 March 2020

I am going back to the vet today because my test results aren’t very good. They want to count my platelets again because apparently I have a habit of killing them off. I still have my swelling even though I’ve been forced to walk on the lead for days.

To add insult to injury we have to sit in the car and wait outside until the vet comes to get us because of something called the coronavirus. I expect everything will be okay, you know me, made of strong stuff. Now Nix is worrying about ridiculous things like what will happen to her Tesco shop if she has to rush me up to the emergency hospital and will there be any loo rolls in it. Apparently there is a shortage because some silly humans have been out and bought the lot. She’s then getting in and out of bed and drinking tea and being generally annoying. On our way to see the vet she buys an entire box of poo bags because that way she can convince herself I’m not about to expire. Trust me I am nowhere near expiring just yet... there is work still to be done. Apparently my new antibiotics aren’t working any longer so now I’ve got some different ones that are apparently even more expensive than the last ones and don’t we all know about it. I go back in a week if my swelling gets worse but if not back in three weeks to get my bypass flushed and another culture. Can’t think what all the fuss is about.

14 Mar 2020

This picture is from yesterday, I don’t want my photo taken today because the new antibiotics have made me feel sick and I don’t look at my best. I haven’t eaten my breakfast and I’m having a little sleep, I might feel better later when I’m used to them. Did you know I’m not allowed to jump on walls maybe not ever. Nix has tried to cheer me up but I just want to sleep...I’m sure I’ll be better in the morning. 

15 March 2020

I was allowed a little walk off the lead this afternoon as a treat because my platelets are normal and my creatinine has only gone up a little bit. I haven’t eaten yet today but there’s plenty of time, I like to keep Nix on her toes and I ate three meals yesterday all after lunch. 

16 March 2020

Apparently the nearest I’m going to get to a wall for the foreseeable future... lot of fuss about nothing if you ask me.

17 March 2020

So... I got a bit of exercise off the lead today. We’ve been over the Downs and then a paddle in the sea to get my feet clean. Nix as usual embarrassed herself, and me, by getting her foot caught in a bramble hoop. If you’re going to stick your thundering great walking boot into a bramble hoop there is only ever going to be one outcome...you’re going down. Nix actually managed to stay on her feet but only by screaming and doing a sort of dance to keep her balance. I did try to behave while I was off my lead but there were a lot of black Labradors up there and also a couple of Huskies. I got told off so many times I lost count. I had a very good time though and now for my afternoon nap.

18 March 2020

Bored, bored, bored. I can offer no amusement today because Nix is too busy trying to get a slot for Tesco’s delivery and when she’s not doing that she’s washing her hands. Tesco’s was a no no so she’s off to Sainsbury’s in the morning because they’re opening just for ‘the elderly’ for one hour before everyone else is allowed in. I’m to stay at home because Nix thinks there will be a riot when the youngsters aren’t allowed in. She says she’s only shopping for me because she can eat anything and I can’t...I have to have a special diet which she cooks for me. I think I’m very lucky to have her as my human.

19 March 2020

So Nix drove over to Sainsburys for the ‘old bats’ early shopping hour but she was gone for ages. There was a big queue apparently but everyone was very well-behaved, unlike me. She got everything she needed for me except frozen sweet potato chunks so she got some fresh ones and don’t we all know about it. I mean how hard can it be to peel a few sweet potatoes she was huffing and puffing I thought the house might fall down. Anyway we are off now for a proper walk at last.

20 March 2020

There was a lot of fuss about nothing yesterday, I think Nix needs to calm down a bit. I mean yes I was a bit sick, well quite a lot sick actually but I wasn’t bothered. Well I suppose I did shake and tremble and there could’ve been the possibility that I might have looked a bit ill. Turns out I’d eaten some old cooked bone on the beach and it had hurt my insides. You know me though I always bounce back. After my visit to the vet I was brought home and forced to stay in for the rest of the day and only short walks on the lead today...so unfair. 

21 March 2020

Nix has spoken to a friend in another country who is in something called lockdown and this means they can only go out once a day. Nix had the brilliant idea of testing it out on me... seriously...it ain’t ever going to happen! She thinks if she relaxes on the bed in the morning I will go back to sleep, no, no, no...never going to happen! It’s at least an hour since we were last out and I want to go out again but she says no and she’s telling anyone who will listen I’ve got ADHD whatever that is, she says I can’t even concentrate on being naughty. 

PS We did go out and she missed her parcel, oops, not happy.

22 March 2020

We were taking a late evening stroll round the block when I spotted my arch enemy on the other side of the road. Nix of course can’t see much in daylight so the chances of her seeing it at night was nil. Well the goody-goody enemy trotted past and completely ignored me but I felt myself going a bit weird. I don’t know what happens but I just want to flatten him. Nix says I’m a sociopath whatever that is. Anyway, I reared and bucked and barked and howled and tried to get at the dog which was completely ignoring me and that made me worse. Nix got so cross she took my face in both of her hands and gave me a warning I simply cannot repeat here... I was shocked.

23 March 2020

Honestly, how’s a chap meant to get a good nights sleep when their human is tossing and turning and catastrophising over what will happen if she can’t get my turkey mince which apparently she needs to make my special diet for my kidney disease. “Well I’m not going to die am I?” said me, to which she replied, “Yes!”  Well we all know that’s not true and how much she exaggerates so I’m not too worried especially as she’s been up to Tesco’s and managed to get enough for a week. Apparently she burst into tears when she came out she was so happy. The thing’s I have to put up with, it’s no wonder I react by being a bit out of control.

24 March 2020

Well it’s been a funny old day today, for a start I’ve been on my best behaviour and that doesn’t happen very often. We haven’t been out as many times as usual because of the new rules but I have had two long walks. Also I’ve been able to look out of the window to see who is passing and they wave at me. Apparently there is this thing called social distancing...humans are waving at each other instead of stopping to speak. Nix is always so far behind me on walks I’ve been socially distancing myself from her for as long as I can remember. She got very over excited just now over something called a Sainsbury’s slot.

Thank you Auntie Sarah for my doughnut and do you like my new haircut?

25 March 2020

So listen up people, there is a dastardly plot going on to keep me indoors. Nix is trying to make out there is some sort of virus thingy going on and I’m only allowed out once a day...seriously...do they not know about my Subcutaneous Uretal Bypass. I need to go out at least four times a day but apparently it’s not allowed and Nix thinks if I get two hours in the morning I will sleep for the rest of the day...no...or maybe yes.

26 March 2020

So Nix managed to grab an oldies home delivery slot from Sainsbury’s and it just arrived. Basically every think she’d ordered for herself wasn’t there but guess what was there...my turkey mince! Don’t feel sorry for Nix by the way, it’s her own fault, she forgot to untick the ‘no substitution‘ box.

27 March 2020

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...when Nix goes off on one she really goes! This morning she heard someone behind her on the boardwalk and when she turned round this chap was right in her face. She told him he should be keeping the two meter rule and he told her she should’ve got out of his way. I’ll tell you something, you do not want to rub Nix up the wrong way, I can’t even repeat what she said back to him. Anyway back to more important things...moi. I haven’t been out since this morning and for some bizarre reason, Nix thinks I’m going to go to the loo in the garden. No chance, that garden is for two things only, sleeping and digging up the plants.

28 March 2020

Just heard that the next door neighbours are taking me out at 4 pm, better late than never I suppose! They don’t know about my arch enemy, the black Labrador, so with a bit of luck I can take them by surprise. 

PS scrap that, they’ve been warned.

29 March 2020

So this virus thingy is getting really boring now, doesn’t anyone realise that I am used to many walks a day. The neighbours walk me in the afternoon but they are no fun as they keep me on my lead and I’m not able to get up to any mischief. I do have a plan though, I didn’t do a poo this morning as I’m saving it for when they walk me this afternoon. I shall drag them into one of the neighbours gardens and do a massive poop right in the middle of the lawn. For other naughty dogs, this is best accomplished when the humans are sitting at their window.

30 March 2020

Can someone tell me why it is necessary for Nix to eat everything in sight. She says it’s because she’s bored, well we can all go down that road can’t we but then we shall all be the size of houses. Just hope she doesn’t get too fat to walk me when we can actually go out again.

My other concern is Nix’s continuing habit of falling over her own feet. She had some new boots delivered a few weeks ago and she decided to wear them this morning as it was freezing. If she tripped up a paving stone once she must’ve done it 100 times. She says there are two reasons for this, the first is that the soles are too thick...seriously! The other is because her mother apparently used to tell anyone who would listen that Nix was very clumsy and could fall over a cow in a field. Well we all know that won’t ever happen because she is terrified of cows and won’t go into a field if there are any around. Her mother was right though she is clumsy...Nix says It’s a self fulfilling prophecy whatever that is.

31 March 2020

So we had a lovely long walk along the beach this morning and I have realised that it’s my job to keep Nix amused in these difficult times. She found a ‘safe’ stick to throw in the water, one that I couldn’t get stuck in my mouth. I thought it was very amusing to hold it like a cigar but Nix wasn’t impressed and said it was dangerous and I couldn’t have it again. I did however make her laugh when I did my jig when I came out of the water. I made her laugh a lot more though after I sniffed this piece of grass that smelled of a laydee ...it made my teeth chatter really noisily. Nix said it reminded her of the false teeth that you used to get that you would  wind up and they chattered and moved along the table. She laughed a lot, really laughed a lot, laughed far too much really in my opinion but I suppose my job is done for the day. 

The saga of the turkey mince goes on. As you know when this virus thingy first started she couldn’t get any for my special meals and in a panic she entered the shop of dead animals. Nix doesn’t eat meat so this was not easy for her I realise that and I was very pleased that she managed to get some. Well she got it out of the freezer and yesterday it was ready for her to prepare for me. Honestly...you would have thought there was a murder going on in the kitchen. It wasn’t like the Tesco’s turkey apparently, in Nix’s words it was sitting in a pool of blood. She had to get it from its bag and into the saucepan and this all has to be done at arm’s-length with squinted eyes so she can’t smell it or see it properly. Well when you drop a kilo of bloody turkey from a thundering great height into water it’s always going to end up all over you and the floor. She said the kitchen looked like a scene from a Sam Peckinpah movie whatever that means. 

Well I’m off for a kip until the neighbours turn up to take me for my afternoon walk.