The Whole of April 2020

1 April -30 April 2020

We went for a walk along the beach and there was a minor incident which wasn’t my fault. This brown dog came strutting down the boardwalk like he owned the place so he had to be told...someone had to do it and that someone was me. I ran at it and tried to mount it but it was quicker than me and bit me on my bottom. It didn’t really hurt and it was worth it because it got told off by its human. Nix of course ruined it all by apologising for moi. Had a lovely sleep when I got home. 

2 April 2020

Nix was really bored so she decided to put some highlights in her own hair as all the hairdressers are closed. This was never going to be a good idea because whilst I must admit she is very good at doing other people’s hair, it was always going to be difficult to do her own with her dreadful eyesight. She was not happy with the result and to make matters worse she dropped the hairdryer and broke it. So now she’s bored and grumpy.

We went to the beach this afternoon, quite boring if you don’t count the cat incident. Cats were obviously invented for us dogs to chase so I can’t see the problem myself. If that cat is going to come out onto my beach then it deserves to get chased and I’m the one to do the chasing. I only ever go as far as the garden wall, well okay, maybe once I did go over the garden wall and into someone’s house but normally I stop when I get there. Nix of course overreacts and comes charging across the beach and inevitably gets her foot caught in one of the brambles and never quite manages to catch me. I don’t actually need her on the walks, I mean she could stay at home and self isolate and I could take myself for a walk.

Nix has finally lost the plot, I knew it was only a matter of time. She went outside the front of the house just now and was banging a saucepan and embarrassing herself in front of the neighbours. The worst thing is that all the neighbours were out there to do the same thing. I give up on humans sometimes, they can be very weird.

As there are no photos of me chasing the cat I thought you might like to see me in my special coat that was made for me by our friend Jane when my hair fell out and I was a bit bald and one when my hair had grown back. I got many admiring glances. 

3 April 2020

I’ve got a bad leg today! Nix says it’s payback for chasing the cat yesterday and I must admit it was hard work over the pebbles. Anyway I can’t walk today without limping and of course as usual Nix is completely overreacting. I knew it was something and nothing but I thought I might as well make the best of it and get lots of sympathy and extra cuddles. That didn’t work out so well as I had to stay on my lead and consequently I’ve had no alternative but to be a very good boy.

We have a very exciting couple of days ahead, well Nix seems to think so. Today the new hairdryer arrives, as you know she managed to drop the other one and break it. At least she won’t be looking like a mad woman for much longer. Tomorrow we have a new freezer arriving pour moi and we have been waiting for a month for it. Nix always cooks up lots of my food in advance and it always fills up all the drawers in her freezer. She says there’s nothing in there for her to eat now and she’s going to have to eat my pasta. I don’t mind sharing with her but she better keep her hands off my turkey mince. 

The neighbours will be coming soon to take me for my afternoon walk. I am very grateful, really I am but if I’m really honest I miss Nix coming with me. I’m saying little prayers every night that this virus thingy will soon be over and we can all go back to having our lovely walks.

5 April 2020

We had a lazy afternoon yesterday, the most exciting thing was the Tesco van arriving with my turkey mince and then the new freezer in which to store my turkey mince. They wanted to leave the freezer outside the front door but Nix did her ‘elderly lady’ routine and they took it down the side path and left it at the back by the spare room. It took Nix hours to get it out of the box, always more difficult when you’re wearing antivirus rubber gloves. She managed to get it into the spare room but then it wobbled and so I had to insist she get down on her hands and knees and turn something to stop it wobbling. She’d have stuck a piece of cardboard under it if she’d had her way but my turkey mince was going to be stored in there and it needed to be done right.

We did sit in the summer house after the freezer was sorted and I’m sorry to say that Nix had her 60’s music on the headphones. She really does not sing very well at all and people would keep a lot further than two meters away if she just sang as we went along. Someone down the road had too many people in their garden having a barbecue and apparently that’s not allowed. I thought Nix might report them but she said she couldn’t be arsed whatever that means so I barked a lot to warn the other neighbours. If it’s not allowed it’s not allowed, I know the rules.

I am perfecting my ‘It’s time to go out again’ stare...what do you think?

7 April 2020

Nix had one of her brain waves and decided we would have a lie in until 9 am and then we would go out for two hours down the river. That way it wouldn’t be such a long wait until the neighbours were allowed to take me out in the afternoon. She’s still trying to get me to have a wee in the garden but somehow it just doesn’t seem right.

To please Nix I did a massive wee up her favourite Phormium and she seemed very pleased. It got to 8.30 am and I thought it might be worth giving a pathetic stare a go but she wasn’t having any of it. She was too busy tucking into toast and marmalade...in bed!!! I don’t give up easily and eventually it worked and she got up and got dressed and out we went. We had a lovely walk down the river and we didn’t get home until 11 o’clock. Then we got a shopping delivery with, wait for it, eight packs of turkey mince!!! That’s enough for the whole week so no worries about me starving and I already have Nix cooking it.

8 April 2020

Day two of the new regime and I think I’m liking it. We had a lie in until 9 am and I was a very good boy I did a big wee in the garden and had a long sleep while Nix had her toast and marmalade in bed. I’m trying to be good because she is definitely a bit sad at the moment. I think she misses her friends so I’m going to be her very best friend until she can go out again.

We went down the river and came the long way home along the beach so I could get the mud off my feet. Nix is used to standing around chatting on walks while I do all the running around but today she had to walk for two hours. By the time we got back to the beach it was really hot and she was as you humans say knackered. She wanted to sit on the bench to rest but apparently that’s not allowed any longer because of the virus thingy. That set her off moaning and wanting to know why she can’t drive five minutes to take me to the park but the cyclist can cycle from miles away just to annoy her on the river path. She says she’s getting a dash cam whatever that is and she’s going to wear it on her head...as if she’s not embarrassing enough already.

People had chalked on the pavement.

9 April 2020

I honestly do think Nix is losing it just a bit with all this staying in business. I suppose it was partly my fault because I startled her in the early hours because that darned cat was in my garden again. We have French doors into the garden from our bedroom but just because the blinds are down does not mean I don’t know what’s going on out there. Nix was fast asleep when I leapt off of the bed and threw myself at the doors barking loudly. She said she very nearly had a heart attack but she does tend to exaggerate so no need to worry...too much.

So now she’s awake and she realises its bin day the next day and she hasn’t put it out. She gets out of bed and to my horror goes out in her dressing gown at 3 am and wheels the bin to the front entrance. She probably woke up the entire street but she said it doesn’t matter because no one is going to work so no one has to get up anyway. Best part though...she got the wrong day and had to wheel it back again this morning.

So not much happening during the day. Nix was too lazy to walk to the river so we walked up to the old fort. I like going there because the fort was built to keep the French out and I’m French. I like it too because I can get up really high and I get a good view of any black labradors that might be approaching. It’s embarrassing though watching Nix try to get to the top, anyone would think 75 was old! But if you think watching her go up is bad then you should watch her trying to get down again. She won’t do the steps because she says they’re too steep and there is nothing to hold onto so she has to go down the hilly slope and we all have to hope and pray that she won’t go arse over tit.

10 April 2020

We headed west along the beach this morning and Nix managed to get her foot caught in a sinkhole. They’re actually not that difficult to spot but Nix always misses them because of course her eyes don’t work properly. Anyway she had to do the rest of the walk back along the path with one wet foot and I had to put up with a lot of complaining...if it wasn’t the wet foot she was moaning about it was the cyclists coming to close.

11 April 2020

I was a very good boy for my bypass flush today. Vet came out and took me inside all on my own while Nix sat outside in the car wearing her latex gloves. The nurse brought the claims form out and Nix filled it in sitting in the car and then they brought my antibiotics out and put them in the box outside and then they brought me out. I don’t know what all the fuss is about really, everyone wearing masks and gloves.

On our way home the petrol light came on. Nix of course does love something to panic and catastrophise over so now it’s what will happen if my results are bad and she has to take me up to the referral hospital which is miles away. This means a stop at the garage and thankfully she still has the latex gloves but they are now inside out from when she took them off at the vets. So she’s trying to correct that without actually touching the bits that have touched the clipboard at the vets. She had OCD as a child, I reckon it’s returned.

12 April 2020

Nix is getting very stressed over our food deliveries. She says it’s only because she worries about not being able to get my turkey mince but we all know it’s the lack of chocolate caramel nibbles really. Anyway eventually she managed to get a slot and got all my turkey mince ordered and oh yes her chocolate caramel nibbles. When she got up this morning she got an email to say my turkey mince was still in the basket but they had taken away her chocolate caramel nibbles. That did not go down well.

13 April 2020

It’s been a bit boring today so I thought I’d tell you about the Pukka Pie incident. I’d been living with Nix for a little while and she decided she fancied some fish and chips. She used to walk to the chip shop once a week with Billy her former Beardie but he was very old and couldn’t walk far so she used to tie him up to the Pukka Pie sign outside the chip shop and he used to go to sleep on the pavement. There was a big glass window so she had sight of him the whole time just in case you were worried. Nix thought she could do the same with me but I could’ve told her that was never going to work. I do not like swinging signs and as soon as she went inside the wind blew and the Pukka Pie sign started to swing. Well that was it, I was off. I raced down the road but I couldn’t shake the Pukka Pie sign free so I just went faster and faster. Every time it hit a tree a bit more of it fell off but I couldn’t get rid of the heavy base. Eventually it got caught between a parking meter and a tree and I was forced to stop. Nix couldn’t keep up with me and a very kind gentleman came to my aid. He set me free from what was left of the sign and held onto my lead until Nix finally caught up. She was crying for some reason, I have no idea why but to be honest, I was glad to see her. I still to this day won’t go anywhere near those signs, they scare me... A lot.

17 April 2020

Guess what, I just found out that Nix can go out more than once a day. This is great because she gets very sad when she can’t come on my walk with the neighbours. Having said that I don’t think our neighbours will be talking to us for much longer because apparently I shouldn’t be in the garden barking at 4 am in the morning. I apparently nearly gave Nix (another) heart attack by waking her up by throwing myself at the doors and barking a lot. Well she’s the one who left the plastic watering can in the garden when it was very windy and it made a lot of noise when it was blown around. It’s not my fault I thought it was a proper intruder, I still have to do my guard duty. I also got told off for eating snails. I mean hello... I am French! Yes I am a French man through and through and of course I’m going to eat snails that hang around long enough. I do not understand the English, they seem to think I will get some terrible disease from them...ridiculous. Anyway I’m now banned from the garden at night and Nix says she is socially distancing herself from me for the foreseeable future.

There was just the one incident this morning and it was not my fault. It was these two Cocker spaniels walking along on their leads all snooty like they owned the place. They glared at me and then growled so what’s a chap supposed to do? I ran at them and jumped on them and it’s funny because I sound really vicious but I don’t really do anything, I just make a lot of noise. No one really understands me, I always get the blame. Nix says I have to learn to walk away but that’s quite something coming from her, the one person who finds it impossible to walk away from anything and always has to have the last word.

Nix needed to pop down to the local shop when we got home...without me! Trying to stop her going out without me is becoming tedious, she is such a slow learner. How many times do I have to knock her over before she realises I SHALL NOT BE LEFT ALONE!

18th April 2020

Nix is confused as to whether she is allowed to actually drive anywhere. She says the rules aren’t clear so we walked from home to Buckingham Park this morning. The morning went without incident...well unless you count the toppling over of the Maltese Terrier. It’s not my fault that we were both running for the same ball and he got under my feet. Nix says that the mounting of the French Bulldog was an incident too but then she does tend to over dramatise everything. 

19 April 2020

I have come to the conclusion that Nix just likes to moan about something, anything will do really but it usually involves me. One minute she’s moaning that I’m not affectionate enough so I decide to sit on her lap. It wasn’t my fault that my claw got caught on her leg when I tried to jump off and it only bled for a bit anyway, a lot of fuss about nothing if you ask me. She said I’m always underfoot anyway and every time she turns round I’m there and it’s only a matter of time before she falls over me. She should get her eyes tested and then she might be able to see where she’s going.

Anyway, we had an uneventful (boring) walk this morning. I don’t think Nix realises how boring she is and that without me she’d have no friends. Everyone that stopped to talk to her this morning just wanted to talk about me and my haircut. That’s because I had it cut very short before all the groomers went into lockdown and some of the other dog owners are very jealous. One woman asked Nix if she’d done it herself...seriously, can you just imagine. It’s bad enough being so short but at least it’s even all over, there is no way Nix is coming anywhere near me with the clippers.

20 April 2020

It’s a pity Nix didn’t have her camera at the ready as we were walking along the beach this morning. One of the swimmers, a man, got out of the sea and took his swimming trunks off. Nix didn’t know where to look so I helped out by running down to where the man was and I did my poopies there! That was very funny, Nix had to try and find the poo without looking at the man!

We’ve just gone to bed and can you tell me why Nix has so much rubbish on her bedside cabinet. I’m looking now, why is she so untidy. There is one bottle of water, one packet of tablets, one set of headphone thingies, one pair of broken glasses from when she fell over and landed on them, one pair of unbroken glasses, one lip thingy, one pen for Sudoku, one highlighter for Wordsearch, one packet of polos and a mug! There is no room for the TV remote thingy so she leaves it on the bed. My latest trick is to sit on it in the middle of the night and turn the TV on. I am at this moment perfecting the volume control.

All the humans are telling each other to stay safe, I think they’ve all gone a bit mad.

21 April 2020

My walk was cut short this morning because my turkey mince was being delivered. It’s not that I’m not very happy to see my turkey mince but why does it have to arrive when I should be out on my walk. Anyone would think it was difficult to get a delivery slot but apparently it is. I should prefer my turkey mince to arrive at lunchtime when I have my sleep and then it can be cooked and ready to eat just in time for tea. On top of all that nonsense I have to put up with Nix rushing around shouting things like, “Yay, chocolate biscuits” and “Yay milk”  both of which she ran out of days ago. The milk ran out because she didn’t order enough but the chocolate biscuits ran out because she ate the lot in one go. She’s also started leaving notes for the binmen and you must admit that’s a bit weird. She’s put a note saying thank you on the side of the bin... I mean what she thanking them for it’s not like they’re delivering my turkey mince.

PS My results just came in and I have no bacteria and very few white blood cells so I can stop my antibiotics. 

22 April 2020

Remember the chocolate biscuits that Nix had been waiting all week for, well when she opened them they had no chocolate on them. We have not heard the end of this, something about her mental health being damaged whilst I’m not so sure it was in very good order before.

Now that we have the new rules and we can definitely drive places Nix decides to have an extra lie in. I tried the glare from the left of the bed, the right of the bed and then the bottom of the bed. Didn’t work so I tried barking from all angles...nothing. She thinks that because the French doors are open to the garden I will do my business there. Well I’m sorry but I don’t poop on my own doorstep, only on everyone else’s.

We finally got to Southwick hill and guess what, Nix had only got three poo bags. More than enough she thinks because I never do more than two. Well that’s when I know the poo bags are aplenty, this morning was different. I managed to squeeze out three poos in just a few minutes which meant Nix had to carry the third bag round with her just in case I did another one. She wasn’t happy and I never did another one anyway. Look I’m bored so I have to keep myself amused and anyway it was Nix’s punishment for lying in bed for so long.

23 April 2020

I am limping a bit from all the pavement walking so glad we can now drive to my favourite places. Everyone is talking about what they do each day to keep themselves occupied. Cleaning, filing, painting, hanging baskets... Nix does none of these things, just talks about doing them.

We bumped into Barney, my old friend from Hove. That made me very happy. 

24 April 2020

So this was going to be a ‘be nice to Nix day’ honestly it was but she makes it so difficult. Just because I wake her up really early by washing my private parts she thinks that gives her a good reason to be grumpy. To add insult to injury she tries to make out that I have made her bed smell funny, well not so funny in Nix‘s eyes. I mean if I get taken out at 8 pm in the evening and she is still in bed at 8 am the next morning what does she expect. It’s not my fault if a bit of wee escapes onto the duvet cover is it? As for her bed smelling funny, she wants to take a whiff of her trainers, now that is definitely not funny, that should be a crime.

25 April 2020

So we’ve been to the Lancing Ring today in the car. We drove all the way up this narrow road and when we got there the car park was closed because of this virus thingy rules. Nix doesn’t like going backwards in the car so we had to have the 25 point turn, at least there was no one there to laugh at us. When we got back I had a nap in the summerhouse and Nix watched one of her opera thingies on the iPad. Apparently it came all the way from New York so a long way but I don’t think Nix really enjoyed it because she cried a lot at the end. I wouldn’t mind but she’s seen it loads of times already and it always ends the same way.

I’m just wondering how much longer Nix is going to walk round the house saying, “I’ve got to stop eating...” and then carrying on eating.

26 April 2020

I’ve got this thing growing out of my tail that looks like a claw. Nix calls it my ‘alien horn’ and refuses to even look at it never mind touch it. I should tell you that it has a proper medical name suited to my standing in society and it’s actually called a cutaneous horn. I do of course already have a subcutaneous bypass so it seems only right to get a cutaneous something or other so I settled for a horn. I like it and it’s right at the end of my tail where everyone can see it. Nix says it looks like a maggot...she didn’t think that when she tried to pull it off last night when she thought it was a piece of twig.

27 April 2020

It seems we can never get out of the house these days without Nix forgetting something. This morning it was poo bags but she only realised when I was actually pooing. Luckily for her no one was near enough to see that I’d actually done a poo so she pretended to look for one and made out I hadn’t done anything. We will go back and collect it later and that means an extra walk so I’m not complaining. She was meant to be collecting my poo anyway for the vet because it was black yesterday and she convinced herself it was blood. I knew it was my fish treats which are also black. If she bothered to ask instead of panicking I could’ve told her. This virus thingy is definitely taking its toll on Nix.

Nix has spoken to the vet and apparently my cutaneous horn might drop off but then it could grow back again... very impressive and I love it. I love it even more because it totally freaks Nix out. She’s going round the house going, “Oh God, it looks like a maggot.“

Tired today. 

28 April 2020

So another day in lockdown and now it’s raining too. I was very bored this morning so I thought stealing some of Nix’s breakfast might liven things up a bit and it definitely did, I might try that more often. Yesterday I tried to get at the treats that Nix keeps in her pocket. She tried walking backwards to get away and that was never going to be a good idea. Let’s face it she has enough trouble staying on her feet when she goes forwards so this was always going to end badly. The treats were more accessible at ground level so worked for me.

This is my friend Bear, the Pomeranian

29 April 2020

Today Nix decided it was time she got to grips with something called Zoom as she isn’t allowed to see any of her friends. It was painful to watch her trying to set it up, I mean how difficult can it be. In the end one of her friends got it started and she joined in. We don’t have a laptop so Nix was waving her phone around trying to make herself look vaguely respectable... all it did was to make her friend feel seasick.

I’m waiting to get taken out for my afternoon walk. The neighbours have been taking me since the beginning of lockdown because Nix reckons she is only allowed out once a day. I think she was just using it as an excuse because she’s quite lazy you know. Truthfully though, I’m surprised she’s allowed out at all.

30 April 2020

I have found the perfect way to start the day and to encourage Nix to get up. You see the problem is that with all this virus business Nix doesn’t have any bed and breakfast guests. This means she thinks it’s okay to wander around in her dressing gown and have breakfast in bed watching Good Morning Britain before I have my walk. This is not acceptable and so I have now perfected my position on the bed in front of the TV so she can’t see a thing and that usually does the trick. It definitely worked this morning and we had a lovely walk to the old fort. Did I mention also that Nix has developed a strange kind of walk. She reckons lifting her feet high I will stop her falling over, it’s never going to work and she just looks like a horse.